I LOVE TIVO.
I wish that I could ever love another human being as much as I love my TiVo, and also have them love me back as much as my TiVo loves me. I bought one of the first TiVos when it first came out four and a half years ago, for $1,200. About a year later, the price was down to $250, and now you can get a much better model for only $199. But I’ve never regretted buying early, because it was worth every extra penny just to have it for that first year.
Anyway, TiVo is offering a free DVD to tell you how great TiVo is. It also comes with a $50 rebate. I haven’t seen the DVD– I’ve just sent away for it myself. But take a look at it. And buy a TiVo! It is so, so worth it. I don’t work for them, and I don’t get anything when someone buys one, and I have no motivation whatsoever for recommending it, except that I want you to be happy. And you will be, if you get one, I am convinced.
To get the free DVD, go to tivo.com/orderdvd. For more information on the rebate offer, go to tivo.com/rebate. And for more information on TiVo, go to tivo.com.
DID ATTORNEY GENERAL ASHCROFT AND PRESIDENT BUSH MAKE A SECRET DEAL?
Okay, remember the disputed 2000 Presidential election? Well, there was also a disputed Senatorial election– between Senator John Ashcroft and the Ghost of Mel Carnahan. That is, Mel Carnahan had died shortly before the election, too late for another candidate to replace him on the ballot. The Governor of Missouri pledged to name Mel Carnahan’s widow, Jean Carnahan to fill Mel’s seat if he won the election, and that is exactly what wound up happening. But after the election, Ashcroft vowed to challenge the result, saying that Mel Carnahan’s victory didn’t count, because he was dead. While opinion was sharply divided on whether this would be successful, everyone agreed that the argument had at least a shot of succeeding.
But then came the disputed Presidential results, and Ashcroft abruptly dropped his claim. Why did he do this? I don’t have any information that you don’t have, but I believe he was pressured by the Bush campaign and others within the Republican party to abandon his claim in order to deprive Gore of the argument that not just Gore but also Ashcroft, a prominent Republican Senator, was disputing the election results that night. And, in fact, the Bush camp instantly seized on this, and, the very second that Ashcroft conceded the election, Bush and his spokespeople instantly demanded that Gore follow Ashcroft’s example.
Well, I thought at the time, that’s fair enough as a Republican strategy and it makes a lot of sense. The Presidential race was much more important than that one Senate seat (no one could have predicted Jim Jefford’s soon to come defection from the Republican party, throwing control of the Senate to the Democrats), and it would have made it hard for Bush and other Republicans to keep criticizing Gore, while Ashcroft was making many of the same arguments Gore would be making. Why not get Ashcroft to help toe the party line?
But what, I wondered, did they offer Ashcroft, in order to get him to back off?
It didn’t take long for my hypothetical question to be hypothetically answered. Bush named Ashcroft as his nominee for Attorney General. Again, I have no information about this that you don’t have, but it seems pretty obvious that this was a direct payback for Ashcroft agreeing to drop his challenge of the Missouri Senate election results.
Now, if this is true, is that okay? Maybe we can just say that Ashcroft sacrificed himself out of loyalty to the Republican party and the Bush campaign, and he was later rewarded for his loyalty. That seems okay, I guess. But maybe we can also say of the same facts that Ashcroft was promised a political pay-off if he agreed to help Bush manipulate public opinion so that Bush could capture the disputed election. And that doesn’t really seem okay at all. Maybe it’s perfectly accurate to say that the position of the nation’s top law-enforcer was offered as a bribe in exchange for throwing an election. Now I know that can’t possibly be okay. But I’m pretty sure that’s what happened. Why isn’t anyone talking about this or asking Bush about it?
WEST WING SNEAK PREVIEW.
I was watching an old rerun of the NBC series The West Wing on Bravo. It was Episode #106, Mr. Willis of Ohio, and in it, President Bartlet makes this incredibly prescient prediction, that summarizes the events in the last season finale, and, I presume, the season opener this Wednesday.
After an incident at a bar, the President decides to increase his daughter’s (Zoey) secret service protection. She protests. The President insists. He says:
“You scare the hell out of the Secret Service Zoey, and you scare the hell out of me, too. My getting killed would be bad enough, but that is not the nightmare scenario. The nightmare scenario, sweetheart, is you getting kidnapped. You go out to a bar or a party in some club, and you get up, and you go to the restroom. Somebody comes up from behind, puts their hand across your mouth, and whisks you out the back door. You’re so petrified, you don’t even notice the bodies of a few Secret Service agents lying on the ground with bullet holes in their heads. [He points to the same spot on his own forehead where Zoey’s Secret Service agent was shot in her forehead the season finale.] Then you’re whisked away in a car. It’s a big party with lots of noise and lots of people coming and going, and it’s a half hour before someone says, ‘Hey, where’s Zoey?’ Another fifteen minutes before the first phone call. It’s another hour and a half before anyone even thinks to shut down all the airports. Now, we’re off to the races. You’re tied to a chair in a cargo shack somewhere in the middle of Uganda, and I am told that I have 72 hours to get Israel to free 460 terrorist prisoners. So I’m on the phone pleading with Ben Yabin and he’s saying, ‘I’m sorry, Mr. President, but Israel simply does not negotiate with terrorists, period. It’s the only way we can survive.’ So now we got a new problem because this country no longer has a Commander-in-chief, it has a father who’s out of his mind because his little girl is in a shack somewhere in Uganda with a gun to her head! Do you get it?”
This, it seems to me, is 100% consistent with the events at the end of the last season of the show. I’d suggest the Secret Service look for Zoey in Uganda. Actually, that’s probably a little too obvious; but everything else was word for word exactly the way it happened.
TV REVIEW: THE NEW FALL SEASON (Part I)
The new fall TV season is upon us, and I must say, it’s been mostly a disappointment so far, hasn’t it? Maybe there are just too many channels now, but so far I’ve seen no new shows that are great, and not to many that are any good at all.
WHOOPI: The pilot, featuring Whoopi as a hotel owner, really hits you over the head with her anti-Bush politics, without really making the case for them. I could live with that, but it’s just not funny.
When? Tuesdays at 8PM on NBC.
Worth watching? No.
HAPPY FAMILY: In addition to being not particularly funny, I found all the characters thoroughly unlikeable. The parents are manipulative and dishonest, and their children are whiny and helpless. It is unpleasant to watch.
When? Tuesdays at 8:30PM on NBC.
Worth watching? Definitely not.
ROCK ME BABY: This story of a Radio DJ whose life is turned upside down by having a baby is trite. There are a couple of cute lines, but not enough to carry the show.
When? Tuesdays at 9PM on UPN.
Worth Watching? No.
THE MULLETS: I was pleasantly surprised by this show about a “white trash” family. I found the characters surprisingly charming, and the show was warm and funny.
When? Tuesdays at 9:30PM on UPN.
Worth Watching? Yes.
JAKE 2.0: This modern retelling of the Six Million Dollar Man is about a very, very junior National Security Agency (NSA) employee who is “infected” with nanotechnology that gives him enhanced physical powers and the ability to interface with any kind of technology. It was interesting, but a little slow and predictable.
When? Wednesdays at 9PM on UPN.
Worth Watching? Maybe, but it’s opposite the West Wing, so that’s it, as far as I’m concerned.
RUN OF THE HOUSE: Another trite, stupid, unfunny family sitcom.
When? Thursdays at 9:30PM on WB.
Worth Watching? No.
LIKE FAMILY: This is my favorite new show so far, though that’s more by process of elimination. It is about a single mother from the city, who’s having difficulty raising her trouble-making 16-year-old son, so she moves in with her successful suburban friends in the suburbs with her son, to help her raise her boy. The twist is that the single mother and trouble-making son are white, and the successful suburban family is black. They never dwell on this fact or even mention it, but at every turn, there’s some little dig, such as, for example, that the white son was an unplanned pregnancy. It’s very charming and fun to watch, and had a few laughs, but I just wish it were funnier.
When? Fridays at 8:30 PM on WB
Worth Watching? At least once.
FUN FROM THE COMMENTS.
Here’s a fun exchange from the comments section I wanted to put out here for all to see. It’s from the comments to my recent article “FOX NEWS IS FULL OF SHIT.”
One of my legions of fans commented, in full:
“Fox News is the only real news out there. You hate it because you hate truth. DIE COMMIE!!!”
I replied:
“Okay, that last comment is so absurd, and would reflect so poorly on Fox News if it were the genuine sentiments of a supporter, that I feel compelled to express my suspicion that it was left by a fellow detractor of Fox News for the purpose of discrediting them. If that’s the case, I want to urge those of us who see through the tabloid junk-journalism that Fox News offers, not to sink to their level.
“And of course, it goes without saying that if some genuine fan of Fox News thinks that Fox News tells the truth, and then also thinks that he or she is telling the truth when he or she labels me a communist for disagreeing with Fox News, then that really doesn’t speak well of the ability of Fox News fans to discern the difference between “truth” and “making things up”. But, as I say, I find it difficult to believe that that was a genuine, sincere, non-sarcastic comment.
“Either way, though, the post does make one good point without necessarily meaning to: if Fox News is so Fair and Balanced, then why do they always automatically assume that their detractors are, if not communists, at least always liberals? If someone says, “I think Fox News is biased,” why does Fox News always assume that the critic means that they are biased to the right? Shouldn’t they have to wonder whether it’s a conservative who finds Fox News to have a liberal bias? But even Fox’s greatest defenders never seem to even stop to ask what kind of bias you might be detecting from Fox News when you accuse them of bias. By contrast, there is a great deal of criticism of the New York Times, the Washington Post, USA Today, CNN, and the network news shows, arguing persuasively that these news sources have a conservative, pro-corporate, pro-Israel, anti-consumer bias. See, for example, fair.org.”
You can participate in the discussion by clicking here.
MOVIE REVIEW: ANYTHING ELSE (2003) * * * (3 stars out of 4).
The new Woody Allen movie is about as good as any other Woody Allen movie, which, I think, is very good. It’s very over the top, but very real at the same time. It stars Jason Biggs and Christina Ricci in a very charming love story between a neurotic Jew and a flighty actress. It is warm and funny and charming and a little disturbing.
BOOK REVIEW: REFER MADNESS (2003) * * * 1/2 (3 and a half stars out of 4).
Reefer Madness: Sex, Drugs, and Cheap Labor in the American Black Market is really three books in one. The best, is the titular story, with which the book opens, documenting the history of marijuana laws in the United States. The author, Eric Schlosser, who also wrote Fast Food Nation: The Dark Side of the All-American Meal, tries, at first, to be fair to both sides of the legalization argument. But the struggle is futile, as overwhelming evidence mounts against the U.S. policy of incarcerating casual users of marijuana with punishments greater than those sometimes given to murderers.
The middle part of the book is about undocumented migrant workers who, essentially, subsidize California farms by working well below minimum wage. This is well-written and interesting, but who would buy a book if the cover said it was the story of migrant farm workers? Lots of people, I’m sure, but not nearly so many as are buying a book called “Refer Madness.”
The second half of the book is about the rise of the adult film industry in America. It chronicles the tremendous effort that was used to enforce obscenity laws in the past for depictions that are now available from fortune 500 companies today.
The theme uniting the sections book is that the laws prohibiting things that people want (drugs, pornography, to work) will always create a black market, and will end up doing more harm than the things that are being prohibited, by creating resentment for law enforcement, and by preventing people (especially undocumented workers) from seeking help from the police.
FOX NEWS IS FULL OF SHIT.
I very, very rarely swear. But this is what I’ve been saving it for. Fox News is full of shit.
Everybody says the problem with Fox News is that they have a conservative bias. That’s true about them, and it is a problem, but it’s not the main problem. The problem with Fox News is that they are full of shit. There isn’t a spectrum with Fox News and the Washington Times and the New York Post on one side, and CNN and The New York Times and the Washington Post on the other side. But even if we accept that the New York Times and the Washington Post are “liberal” papers, then their conservative equivalents are The Economist Magazine and The Wall Street Journal. That is to say, these are all real sources of news that don’t make things up, and bend over backwards to be fair to the other side.
The liberal equivalent of Fox News is Comedy Central’s The Daily Show. That is, they both just make up things, and make fun of people who disagree with them, without really showing the other side. And the only difference is that one side is joking, and keeps pointing out that it’s not a real news organization, and the other side is lying, and keeps saying that it is a real news organization.
So, Fox News’s well publicized complaint against Al Franken for the use of the phrase “Fair and Balanced” is a great read. Read a PDF file of it here. Or a transcribed digital copy here. It’s a fun to read, because it’s really ridiculous and funny, without meaning to be.
One of their prongs in the pleadings (though it is legally irrelevant to their argument) is that “He [Franken] is not a well-respected voice in American politics; rather, he appears to be shrill and unstable. His views lack any serious depth or insight. Franken is commonly perceived as having to trade off of the name recognition of others in order to make money.”
There are a lot of examples in there of Fox being ridiculous, but this is my favorite. Seemingly in order to discredit Franken, they say,
“Since 1995, after Franken left a second stint with ‘Saturday Night Live,’ he has attempted to remake himself into a political commentator. In 1998, Franken wrote and hosted a political television program called ‘Lateline,’ which appeared on the NBC television network. Upon information and belief, Franken’s guests on ‘Lateline’ included well-known political figures Richard Gephardt, Jerry Falwell and Robert Reich. ‘Lateline’ was cancelled after only 19 episodes.”
ONLY 19 episodes! He was hired by the #1 television network in America to write and star in one of the only prime-time network shows ever to engage in political satire. Week after week NBC aired the show to massive critical acclaim. You think Bill O’Reilly or Sean Hannity or Wolf Blitzer or any of the rest of them would stay on cable if they had a chance to be on NBC prime-time? But Franken isn’t “well-respected” because his show went out to maybe ten times the number of people who watch Fox News Channel, for only the better part of a year.
Fuck them. Fuck Fox News. Fox News is full of shit.
WHY NOT ME?
MY friend Danny B. urged me to run for public office the other day, after hearing some of my political views! While I am very interested in politics, I have absolutely no desire to lose my privacy by becoming a famous celebrity. Plus, I think Danny is over-estimating my chances of being successful at politics.
Anyway, these were my views that he asked me about.
First, he asked me about my views on abortion. I told him my views, which I described in this space in SEIZING THE MIDDLE GROUND IN THE ABORTION DEBATE on April 4, 2003. In short, I would describe myself as both pro-choice and pro-life, by which I mean, I am deeply opposed to abortion, but I don’t believe that that’s my decision to make for anyone else. But what I think both sides of the debate should be doing is to be working together to reduce the number of abortions in America, by promoting alternatives to abortion and by making birth control more easily available.
Then, he asked me about affirmative action. Here, again, like many people, I am torn. Of course, I know that minority groups are disadvantaged, and deserve a break. But putting them together with “more qualified” whites is setting them up to fail. On balance, I support it, but what we really need to be doing is fixing the problem at its roots, by improving inner city schools. Why not have an affirmative action program where affluent taxpayers support inner city schools, and inner city taxpayers support the schools of affluent neighborhoods? That’s just a joke really, since the affluent people would never stand for that. But seriously, school funding should be apportioned statewide or nationally, instead of sending poor kids to underfunded public schools and rich kids to overfunded public schools. Doing this is the only way that someday affirmative action will be unnecessary, which is, I think, what we all want.
This led Danny to ask me what I thought of school vouchers. My answer was terse. I don’t understand the idea of them at all. Public schools are underfunded, so people propose to take more money away from public schools? That just doesn’t make sense. I have no particular problem with giving private school students a subsidy, but it shouldn’t come at the expense of public school funding for those kids who remain there.
FLASH MOBS– WHAT’S NEXT?
So, a lot of people have asked me: now that there are to be no more flash mobs in New York, what’s next?
Until now, I’ve had no answer. But I’ve recently been directed to improveverywhere.com. Actually, that’s not quite right, because this project predates the Mob Project by several years.
Improv Everywhere is a group of dozens of improvisation students schedules their own invitation-only “flash mobs” which are carefully choreographed to confuse onlookers. So, they’ve done things like have someone “discover” their long lost brother on a crowded subway car, or propose marriage on the subway. Their most recent venture was having several dozen members go to a Virgin Megastore, take over all the listening stations, and then all do a choreographed dance together (resulting in the police being called by management!). Go to their Web site to see lots more examples of their work.
Anyway, the project seems pretty cool to me, and while less participatory than a flash mob, the potential for true chaos seems much, much greater.
I’ve got a friend who has recently been inducted into the group, and she’s supposed to come up with ideas. So email any ideas you have to david[at]danzig[dot]com, and I’ll pass them along, and it just might come true!
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, CONAN O’BRIEN.
The Conan O’Brien 10th Anniversary Special was really funny, and you should definitely watch it tonight.
The only interesting anecdote I have about attending the taping of it is that I happened to be sitting one row in front of and four seats over from Lorne Michaels, producer of Late Night, as well as Saturday Night Live. You know how when he’s on Saturday Night Live, he always plays this “character” of the detached producer, who never really smiles or applauds? That’s what he’s really like, just pensively stroking his chin with an impenetrable expression on his face.
Immediately behind him was Carson Daily, about whom I have nothing interesting to say.
MOVIE REVIEW: LOST IN TRANSLATION (2003) * 1/2 (one and a half stars out of 4).
The new Bill Murray movie has some funny moments, but it’s a little slow and the ending is unsatisfying.
MOVIE REVIEW: WINGED MIGRATION (2001) 1/2 (half a star out of 4).
This endlessly repetitive movie was a cross between “Finding Nemo” and getting hit on the head for an hour and a half with one of those toy hammers that squeaks every time it hits something. The 90 minute movie would be excellent if they could reduce it to about 8 minutes.
BOOK REVIEW: LIES AND THE LYING LIARS WHO TELL THEM: A FAIR AND BALANCED LOOK AT THE RIGHT (2003) **** (4 stars out of 4).
This is definitely the best book I’ve read so far this year. It is thought provoking, sharp, intelligent, and very funny. It is not, however, as funny as Franken’s earlier book, Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot: And Other Observations. But then again, I’ve never read any other book as funny as that one, so it’s not really a fair comparison.
So, Lies seems very well researched, and makes claims which, if true, offer proof that the Bush II administration and many of the leading conservative commentators have lied repeatedly about the most central aspects of governing, including terrorism, the war in Iraq, economic policy, the environment, and a host of other issues and events. But isn’t this just the other side of the Ann Coulter books which make the same claims about the left, and offer “proof” which is completely fabricated?
No.
First, as someone who keeps up with the news, it was easy for me to spot many of Coulter’s fabrications on my own. Indeed, they were so numerous and striking, that I decided to write an article about them, and began taking notes. But before I really even got started, it occurred to me that I was probably not the only person who had noticed this. So, I did a Google search, and I found many, many Web pages which thoroughly, page-by-page, catalogued the literally hundreds of factual errors she makes in her books.
So, naturally, I expected someone to do the same to Al Franken. He’s doing it to them in this book, so he’s practically daring someone to expose his errors. But I’ve searched and read articles with Google for more than four hours trying to find someone who will say that Franken made a single factual error in his book. But no one has reported a single one. Not one!
And it’s not because people love Al Franken and don’t want to attack him. There are dozens, if not hundreds, of outrageous, vicious articles that verbally tear Franken apart in the most hateful ways. But none of them can point to a single factual error in the book. Some of them express doubts about his first-hand accounts. Some of them point to pranks he’s pulled (that they only know about because he reports them in the book) as evidence of Franken’s dishonesty. And many call him a liar with no evidence at all to support that claim.
So, I’ll just say it. Based on what you can read about in Franken’s book, George W. Bush is a liar, and he knows it. Dick Cheney is a liar, and he knows it. Bill O’Reilly is a liar, and he knows it. Ann Coulter is a liar, and she knows it. (Actually, we all already knew about that last one even before Franken pointed it out). They lie again and again, and they keep getting away with it. The difference between the right and the left is not that the right lies in a way that helps the right, and the left lies in a way that helps the left. The difference between the right and the left is that the right tells lies, and the left tries to be fair.
And we all know that’s true. What are the so-called “liberal-biased” papers? The New York Times and the Washington Post– the two most respected newspapers on the planet! And what is the conservative press? Fox News and the Washington Times and the New York Post, all of which are just a joke in terms of journalistic standards. Who are the heroes of the right-wing media? Rush Limbaugh! Ann Coulter! Sean Hannity! Bill O’Reilly! And these people make a living by just making things up. And they get caught over and over, and when they get caught, they say, “Oh, so in my 300 page book, all you could find was this one mistake,” or “In my six and a half years on the air, all you could find was this one mistake.” And they say that line again and again about dozens of different “mistakes,” where by “mistake” they mean “lie”. And, as Franken points out, the mainstream media, with it’s supposed “liberal bias” is asleep at the switch. They are letting them get away with it, again and again, afraid that if they point out that only one side is always lying, then they’ll appear to have a liberal bias.
This is a great book. It is as entertaining as it is infuriating. You should read it.
THE END OF FLASH MOBBING?
I attended what was billed as “the final mob” last night.
These were the instructions that were distributed:
———-
* * * MOB #8 * * *
The Site: 42nd St. between 6th and 7th Aves. — on the sidewalk in front of the B/D/F/V station.
At 7:41, a performance will begin on the sidewalk. If you arrive early, stall nearby.
(NOTE: Those of you arriving from Bellevue Bar, Siberia, and Dave’s Tavern, please walk down 40th St. or 41st St. to 6th Ave. and approach the site from the east.)
Be an enthusiastic audience. But disperse at 7:46 no matter what the “performer” does. Do not disturb the “performer” as you disperse. If the performance is disrupted before 7:46, chant “Mob” and follow the performer away.
AFTERWARD: THE MOB PARTY
@ THE TANK, 432 W. 42ND ST.
(BETWEEN DYER AVE. & 10TH AVE.).
$2 SUGGESTED.
———-
I am, apparently, notoriously bad at estimating crowd sizes, but, I gotta guess it was something like 500 people, maybe? I couldn’t see “the performer” at first. But after a few minutes, he climbed some stairs, carrying a lit-up neon sign. He moved slowly and never spoke. For almost the last two minutes he just held up two fingers in a peace sign, which the crowd did also. The crowd cheered uproariously the entire time, drawing a secondary crowd of onlookers trying to see what the cheering was about. Even though the mob was never disrupted, people began chanting “Mob! Mob! Mob!” at one point. People also briefly did the old Arsinio Hall “whoof whoof whoof” thing. And toward the end, there was a big chant of “speech, speech!” but that was ignored by the performer.
I grabbed dinner with a friend on the way to the afterparty, so I got there about an hour late. It was pretty mellow, at least compared with the mob. There was a neat exhibit at The Tank, where you can talk to the President. It’s a video of clips of Bush with that intense “I’m listening” face he makes. It was weird how, whatever you said to the screen, it really felt like he was listening.
UPDATE 9/12 10:50 AM– Apparently the “performer” that I and the vast majority of the mob saw was not the one meant by the mob instructions, but a “hijacker”. See the full story, and a much more thorough description of the event than I gave by going to You Listen to Me, Mr. Kick-Ass. I think that’s not a failure, but a fitting end to the Mob project in New York, that the mob got out of the control of its organizers, just as the whole mob idea has gotten out of their hands and spread around the world.
BOOK REVIEW: THE KID STAYS IN THE PICTURE (1994) * * (2 stars out of 4).
This book, by former Paramount chief Robert Evans, was totally ruined for me by Bob Odenkirk’s dead-on impersonation of his quirky style of speaking. (e.g.: Do I have any regrets? You bet your ass I do. Would I do it again? In a second.)
Aside from this amusement, there isn’t much to offer. Mostly it’s just name dropping and bragging. Here he is the head of Paramount, and bragging about the stars that he hung out with and was friends with. Gee, I wonder why they were hanging around with him? And he takes credit for every hit that was made by Paramount while he headed it, saying he didn’t listen to the people that wanted to kill the movie. But every movie has people at the studio arguing against it, and he was bound to make some hits sooner or later, as the head of Paramount pictures. I’m not saying he didn’t do a good job, but so did every other head of a major studio in the same time period!
If you’re really into show business stories, you might enjoy this name-dropping, self-indulgent insider’s account, but I don’t recommend it.
SCREED.
A “screed” is a monotonous, shrill, harangue. A google search for this regular English word yields about 112,000 matches.
Interestingly, I’ve almost never seen any editorial coverage of any of Ann Coulter’s books that didn’t use the word “screed”. So, I did a search for “‘ann coulter’ screed”. This yields about 2,000 results. A search for the misspelling “‘anne coulter’ screed” yields another 99.
In other words, this word, hundreds of years old, whenever used on the Internet, seems to be describing the work of Ann Coulter, give or take, about 2% of the time, leaving the other six billion of us to share the remaining 98%.
I mean, being called the author of a screed, say, ten times seems like kind of a lot, right? And Ann Coulter’s work has been publicly described this way thousands of times. That’s way more than her share would be, based on random chance, is what I’m trying to say.
THE FINAL MOB.
All are invited.
—– forwarded message —–
You are invited to take part in MOB, the project that
creates an inexplicable mob of people in New York City
for ten minutes or less. Please forward this to other
people you know who might like to join.
FAQ
Q. The end?
A. Yes.
Q. Why?
A. It can’t be explained. Like the individual mobs,
the Mob Project appeared for no reason, and like the
mobs it must disperse.
Q. Will the Mob Project ever reappear?
A. It might. But don’t expect it.
INSTRUCTIONS – MOB #8
Start time: Wednesday, September 10th, 7:41 PM
Duration: 5 minutes
(1) During the day on September 10th:
(a) Synchronize your watch to
http://www.time.gov/timezone.cgi?Eastern/d/-5/java/java.
(If that site doesn’t work for you, try
http://www.time.gov/timezone.cgi?Eastern/d/-5.)
(b) Obtain two $1 bills. Keep them handy.
(2) By 7:20 PM, based on the month of your birth,
please situate yourselves in the bars below. Buy a
drink and act casual. NOTE: if you are attending the
MOB with friends, you may all meet in the same bar, so
long as at least one of you has the correct birth
month for that bar.
January, February: Bellevue Bar, 538 9th Ave.
(between 39th and 40th Sts.). Meet near the Ms.
Pac-Man machine.
March, April: Dave’s Tavern, 574 9th Ave.
(between 41st and 42nd Sts.). Meet near the Ms.
Pac-Man machine.
May, June: Bull Moose Saloon, 354 W. 44th St.
(between 8th and 9th Aves.). Meet in the back, near
the jukebox.
July, August: Mercury Bar & Grill, 659 9th Ave.
(between 45th and 46th Sts.). Meet by the bar.
September, October: Siberia, 356 W. 40th St.
(just east of 9th Ave.; it’s the door with the red
light over it). Meet downstairs.
November, December: Smith’s Bar and Grill, 701
8th Ave. (just north of 44th St.). Meet by the bar.
(3) Then or soon thereafter, a MOB representative will
appear in the bar and will pass around further
instructions.
(4) In particular, the instructions will tell you when
to disperse. Make sure that two minutes after the
specified time, you are no longer at the mob site.
(5) Do not return to what you otherwise would have
been doing. The instructions will tell you another
place to go, afterward, if you like.
And do not await instructions for MOB #9. They
will not arrive; not for a long time, at least, if
ever.
—– End forwarded message —–
I’M OFF.
I’m going to Florida for the next week, to watch my friends’ son have his genitals ritually mutilated in the custom of an ancient religious ceremony.
THE PENULTIMATE FLASH MOB.
MOB #7 was yesterday. The highlight for me was overhearing two people noticing the crowd forming and having the following conversation:
Man #1: “Hey, what are all these people doing here?”
Man #2: “I don’t know. Maybe it’s one of those flash mobs.”
Here are the instructions we received:
*** MOB #7 ***
The Site: St. Patrick’s Cathedral
(5th Ave. at 51st St.)
Outside, halfway down the 51st St. side of the cathedral, there is a small wooden door that faces west. At 7:24, form a single file line starting at that door. The line should run down the stairs to the 5th Ave. sidewalk, bend south in front of the cathedral and (if necessary) down 50th St. around the other side.
If anyone asks why you are there, say you “heard they’re selling Strokes tickets.” Add, unprompted that there is “no cutting.”
At 7:29 you will be given a signal to disperse. No one should remain at St. Patrick’s after 7:31.
KEEP THIS SLIP HIDDEN
THE FINAL MOB IS ON SEPTEMBER 10TH
—
So that last bit, promising that there is only one more New York flash mob is a bit ominous. We shall see if they can switch it off as easily as they switched it on. On the one hand, I think it’s played out. But on the other hand, I think it would have been nice to have a few flash mobs after school started, when there could have been some participation by students at the many local colleges.
NEW RULE.
On the HBO show “Real Time with Bill Maher, ” each episode ends with Maher dictating a bunch of “new rules,” like “no cell phones in movie theaters” or “stop patting ourselves on the back about the blackout.” One of them on last night’s show was:
“New rule: enough with the flash mobs. If you haven’t heard, flash mobbing is the latest e-mail inspired craze where random groups of web-surfing losers arrange to all show up somewhere and do something pointless. Back in my day, we had a name for that. It was called a Star Trek convention. Flash mobs are fight club for pussies. But I guess this is what you do with the Internet when you can’t find any 13-year-old girls who’ll meet you at a motel”
This last overreach was followed by scattered boos from the audience.
SEEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT ON BROADWAY.
I just got pestered by a friend about why I haven’t written anything about the “2003 blackout.” Here are my thoughts.
First, as I’ve said before, calling a blackout the blackout of 2003 while it’s still 2003 is the opposite of journalism. If reporters just called it “the blackout” would we all be like, “which blackout?”? But they’re calling this the blackout of 2003, even as they’re reporting that more rolling blackouts may be necessary in the coming weeks. I’m always reminded of the “storm of the century” of late 1995, which was dwarfed by an even bigger storm a few weeks later in early 1996. There’s every chance that there will be another blackout this year, and it’s ridiculous to try to build this into an historic event without regard to the fact that this might not be “the” blackout of 2003. But never let the truth stand in the way of a good story, right?
Second, I’m just amazed by what a big deal people made of it. I grew up in South Florida, which has lots of violent storms, and is at sea level so that power lines can’t be buried. Accordingly, blackouts were about a weekly occurrence for me. They rarely lasted a full day, but they often lasted for several hours. It was annoying, but they didn’t even make the back page of the paper, much less a huge banner headline across the front page of the New York Times. And now people are selling “I survived the blackout” T-Shirts? Whatever!
As for me, I bought the last flashlight and a battery powered TV from Radio Shack. I got to cook on my gas powered stove, and I played cards and watched TV and listened to the radio with my visiting family. I had to climb up twenty-something floors to my apartment with just a flashlight, and I wish I would have had air conditioning. But otherwise, I managed to “survive.” But I can’t get the Billy Joel song “Seen the Lights Go Out on Broadway” out of my head. Though, perhaps, a better anthem for the event would be “Blame Canada.”
MOB #7
All are invited.
—– FORWARDED —–
You are invited to take part in MOB, the project that
creates an inexplicable mob of people in New York City
for ten minutes or less. Please forward this to other
people you know who might like to join.
FAQ
Q. Why would I want to join a stupid mob?
A. Tons of other people are doing it.
Q. Tons of stupid people.
A. Wait a second. Q, have you joined the mob
“backlash”?
Q. Yes, I have.
A. Why?
Q. Tons of other people are doing it. I read so in
the paper.
A. But Q, don’t you see? That’s why people join the
mob, too!
Q. Hey, you’re right!
A. So why should we fight? Join forces with the tons
of people who are DOING the mob. Then there will be
MORE tons of people, and you will all be even more
right.
Q. Makes sense to me. I’m in.
A. Welcome back.
Q. Can the mob sing something?
A. Don’t push it.
Q. Hey, wasn’t the Mob Project going to take one
request?
A. Yes. Thanks to Operative “James” for contributing
the idea for MOB #7.
INSTRUCTIONS – MOB #7
Start time: Tuesday, August 26th, 7:24pm
Duration: 5 minutes
(1) At some point during the day on August 26th,
synchronize your watch to
http://www.time.gov/timezone.cgi?Eastern/d/-5/java/java.
(If that site doesn^Rt work for you, try
http://www.time.gov/timezone.cgi?Eastern/d/-5.)
(2) By 7:05 PM, based on the month of your birth,
please situate yourselves in the bars below. Buy a
drink and act casual. NOTE: if you are attending the
MOB with friends, you may all meet in the same bar, so
long as at least one of you has the correct birth
month for that bar.
January, February: McAnn’s Bar & Grill, 3 W. 46th
St. (just west of 5th Ave.). Meet by the bar.
March, April: Fiddler’s Green, 58 W. 48th St.
(between 5th and 6th Aves.). Meet by the bar.
May, June: Maggie’s Place, 21 E. 47 St. (just
west of Madison Ave.). Meet by the bar.
July, August: Connolly’s Bar & Restaurant, 14 E.
47th St. (between 5th & Madison Aves.). Meet in the
upstairs bar.
September, October: P.J. Moran’s, 3 E. 48th St.
(just east of 5th Ave.). Meet by the bar.
November, December: Heartland Brewery, 1285 6th
Ave. (entrance on 51st St.). Meet by the bar.
(3) Then or soon thereafter, a MOB representative will
appear in the bar and will pass around further
instructions.
(4) In particular, the instructions will tell you when
to disperse. Make sure that two minutes after the
specified time, you are no longer at the mob site.
(5) Return to what you otherwise would have been
doing, and await instructions for MOB #8.
A VERY SPECIAL SKETCH SHOW (2003)
I don’t feel right reviewing this Fringe Festival show, since I know many of the people involved in it, but I did enjoy it. Go see it, and then say hi to David, Chris, and Lauren for me!
THEATER REVIEW: CITIZEN WALKEN (2003) * * 1/2 (2 and a half stars out of 4).
This decent impersonation of Christopher Walken left me longing for the real thing. There were some funny moments, including a great, biting send-up of the fawning James Lipton from Inside the Actors’ Studio. Part of the NYC Fringe Festival
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